Yes, even humor about Orthodoxy!

From OrthodoXCircle’s “Traditional” group – a little mean-spirited actually – not the humor group! (with some editing and rude comments by yours truly):

You Might Be An ‘Orthodox Fundamentalist’ IF…

10) Your parish church-school curriculum consists of: The Rudder.

9) You’ve not shaved in years, but are spending your child’s inheritance on hair conditioner.

{Actually I’ve let my beard go, though not for religious reasons; it’s still quite a mess and often literally a pain!!!}

Your church services are longer than the Super Bowl, but shorter than “Roots.”

7) You save toenail clippings in hopes of … well … you know … glorification.

6) Your daughter can play with Barbies as long as they’re wrapped in DuckTape, clothed in black, and referred to as “Barbara the Ballyhoo” (in Slavonic).

{Sorry, I almost got this one….}

5) Your priest wears a cassock all the time. (Mainly because even the “Big & Tall” clothes no longer fit him.)

4) Birkenstock is the only proper name — not ending in “us,” “os,” or “es”– not subject to suspicion.

{What, they’re “CrunchyCons”???}

3) Your favorite theologian’s name is: “Reader __________.”

2) You believe hair brushes, combs, tweezers, and mirrors are for sissies.

{That’s just scary!}

And, the number one sign that you might be an “Orthodox Fundamentalist” is …

1) There are no chairs in your home; you haven’t sat in years!

---

Top Ten Signs You Might Be an Orthodox Christian Fundaminimalist:

10) During the three-day Sts. Peter & Paul Fast (New Calendar), you did without meat (only).

9) Sunday’s Divine Liturgy lasts longer than the Nightly News but shorter than “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”

When it comes to Confession, you believe: “All may, some should, none must.”

7) You think Antidoron is for the birds (literally), not to mention the non-Orthodox.

6) You’ve seen your priest vested with cuffs around bare wrists because he’s wearing a short-sleeve shirt underneath his rasson.

{And what did they wear under them in the old days exactly?!!!}

5) You ask questions like, “What’s a cassock?,” and, “Why is she wearing one?”

4) Your bishop eats meat. On Friday. During fasting periods.

3) You’ve seen your priest swimming. In a crowded pool. In a Speedo.

2) Your priest wears a Rolex. At the Altar. Over the cuffs.

And, the number one indication that you might be a fundaminimalist:

1) Your priest’s wife goes by the title, “Reader ______ .”

The Number One reminder for anything involving a computer

Stolen from OrthodoXCircle’s humor group, who probably stole it from somewhere else:

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God the Father was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, the Father said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning(!) suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,

‘JESUS SAVES’

Genocide in Turkey

Now that the U.S. House Foreign Affairs Committee has recognized the Ottoman Empire genocide of Armenians in the 1910s, how about the ongoing genocide of Greeks in the Republic of Turkey?!!!

For that matter, why is Ankara so upset?  Ataturk drew a firm line between the Empire and the Republic, right?  So they should be as condemnatory of the Ottomans’ genocide of Armenians as anybody.  In fact, they proclaim a French-like ethnicity-free Turkey, so such ethnic-focused politics as the Teens’ genocide of Armenians, and the continuing genocide of Greeks, should be repugnant to them, right?

Obviously, something else is going on in Turkey, something that unites the “secularist” military and the current “Islamist” government there.  What else could it be but… underlying ethnic Muslim Turkishness?  You mean Turkey really is all about ethnic Muslim Turks, and not some ethnicity-free egalitarian non-Fundamentalist paradise?  That the “secularist, modern, Westernist, EU-aspirant republic” is a sham?!!!  That there really has been, and is still, genocide against anyone NOT ethnic Muslim Turkish?!!!

Tell your U.S. Representative to condemn ALL the Turks’ genocides.

An Andy Rooney moment

(Upon further review, I’ve decided not to keep this post.  Too graphic, too curious, too frivolous, too unrestrained.  C-ya.)

Pluto and other anomalies

I’m as big a fan as the Hubble Space Telescope has, but what I don’t get is, if the Hubble can see a galaxy 13.7 billion light-years away, why can’t it read a fricken license plate on Pluto, nevermind these washed-out images?!!!

And Pluto’s satellite – Can something that isn’t a planet have a “moon”?? – Nix, in keeping with astronomical tradition, is of course named after the ancient deity Nixon!!!

Here’s a question: They say we can’t see the core of our galaxy, at the end of the Milky Way star formation, because of space dust.  Does that mean that if it weren’t for space dust, considering that there are “billions and billions” of stars and galaxies in every direction, night would be nearly as bright as day, only a different, softer color, and without shadows???  So arguably, universal space dust has played a key role in the development of life on Earth with its day/night cycles (for most of us… present company excluded!!) (in the Will of God of course)!

“Dark spots on Mars”???  If they’re not optical illusions, they’re too perfect for nature, I think.  Paging Richard C. Hoagland!

“Human rights” groups, Bushie-backed govts, and Orthodoxy

A brief, insightful - and therefore unheard-of! - 4-year-old article by the Eastern Orthodox Moscow Patriarchate’s Fr. Vsevolod Chaplin, analyzes certain aspects of international “religious-freedom” activism.  (See highlighted “Helsinki” and “anti-Orthodox” text near bottom of this page.)

Such groups’ endorsement of “free market religion” places them in a global minority, and calls into question their understanding of the role of religion in a society – even their realization that religion HAS a role in society, and not just in individuals’ ‘private life.’  Or even Protestantism’s very PUBLIC role in U.S. life….

Of course, that presumes they’re trying to be sincere, and not simply advancing the U.S. global agenda in every way imaginable… and some unimaginable!  After all, their zeroing-in on Orthodoxy not only in the Former Soviet Union but also the Former Yugoslavia in other “reports” I’ve browsed, betrays a definite pro-Washington, pro-”globalization,” pro-Rationalized-Capitalism, anti-Orthodox, anti-Christian bias.

Back atcha, Condi!

There isn’t a single thing Rice says about Putin, the Kremlin, and Russia, that can’t be said about BushCheney, the White House, and America under their rule today.  Is it possible she was actually speaking tongue-in-cheek?!!!  But no, Repugs have no humor, or self-critique/self-consciousness – just like two-year-olds.

(Nevermind talking to the anti-Orthodox Helsinki group.  How about if Putin’s foreign minister meets with ‘liberal’ and anti-Protestant groups here, and talks about Repug politics?!!!  At least we’re pretty sure Putin is stepping down as President when his term ends; Bush?)

An Indigenous way to look at a Global Warming and Peak Oil future

I missed Live Earth, so I missed Prof. Wildcat’s talk, but it and his book seem worthy.

Yo Britney!

Buy a vowel, eh?

Holiday Blues = Low Testosterone?

This AOL article claims human (male – with sperm counts – but also I presume female, as she points out) testosterone, linked to sexual desire, peaks in November and early December, suggesting Fall is our traditional mating season, if Homo sapiens sapiens ever had one.*

But I have to wonder also if Holiday Blues then, or post-Holiday Blues, aren’t related to a decrease in T, and not just to Christmas/ Hanukkah/ solstice-related disappointments, shorter days (in the Northern Hemisphere at least), bad diets, etc.  Even “Seasonal” Affective Disorder!

For that matter, do people in the Southern Hemisphere even get this?  Yes, they say they get S.A.D., but in June-July.  So we Northerners get it on top of the Holidays, mate!  But do they get the lowered T then too?

(*–Certainly a number of old calendars started in Fall – Celtic Samhain, Jewish Rosh haShanah, Orthodox Ecclesiastical New Year.  Some Orthodox Christians say Creation was created in September; as some Russians say, apples ripen then – as in the Garden of Eden’s traditional forbidden fruit!! – at least in the Northern Hemisphere.  [Actually, the Scriptures don't say "apple," just "fruit"!])

World religions

is a misleading term.  Perhaps, due to widespread Western European imperialism and missions, Latin (ie, Western Rite) Catholicism and Protestantism qualify, or Christianity as a whole (especially since adding-in Orthodoxy, Eastern Catholicism, the Oriental Churches, and the Assyrian Church, adds-in Eastern Europe, Asiatic Russia, half of Kazakhstan, half of Lebanon, Armenia, Georgia in the Caucasus, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Kerala state in India - together a large part of the “world”).

Anything else has spread relatively little beyond its home ‘zone,’ with comparatively little emigration and evangelization.  Islam certainly straddles the globe, from Morocco to Indonesia, but outside that region is not so well represented.  The religions at home in India are still overwhelmingly there and vicinity; elsewhere by comparatively little emigration and conversion.  Buddhism: East Asia.  Judaism is certainly well-scattered, but due to conversion, persecution/genocide, and lapse, is so small in numbers… though its influence far outstrips its numbers…. 

Which brings up the matter of influence beyond actual adherents.  Certainly Buddhism and Hinduism have had unexpected influence on “Westerners” in the last couple centuries, in part on account of the British Empire, and also Liberal Protestantism’s opening-up to “dialogue” with “Eastern religions,” as well as celebrity conversions and explorations in them.  “New Age,” Neopaganism, and the rising profile of the world’s Indigenous peoples, for that matter, have revived or magnified the influence of numerous old and new esoteric and other kinds of faith-practices, philosophies, and concepts among Westerners, aided by seemingly-rampant religious illiteracy in the West(!).

So maybe instead of the term “world religions,” we should talk more clearly, on the one hand, of the largest religions, and on another hand, of influential religions.

Or am I seeing it as a Westerner, and overestimating “influence,” say, deep in India or Africa or China or Japan?!

Best Place to Live for Global Warming AND Peak Oil

Just a reminder that when I started calculating this based on climate maps, I was thinking not only about GW but also PO.  Obviously anyplace COLD gets you out of GW, but if it makes you burn more fossil fuels for heat – your own, or your electric plant’s – it’s counterproductive.  Hence, Bay Area winters – on the wetter, cooler side – aren’t too chilly, and summers aren’t too hot for now, but this “sweet spot” will drift north over the generations.

Food can also be grown there in abundance, but then it’d compete with living space, employment space, etc.

Keep in mind that areas around  this area, while not as ideal, will be better than many.  There are other less-ideal spots around the world comparable to areas abutting this part of the Bay Area.  If I think about it, I may look into listing them.

Another lifestyle to consider is Snowbirding, ie, spending winters closer to the Equator, and summers farther away from it – water resources being equal, of course.  Jobs would have to migrate, too; I’m not sure exactly how you work that out.  What about two half-year jobs instead of one full-year job, with year-to-year guarantees/contracts of employment?

“Results not typical”

Businesses shouldn’t be allowed to advertise on the basis of results that are “not typical,” it’s inherently deceptive, ie, THEY LIE!  They should give us “typical,” and maybe the range of results, ie, from nothing to best.  As one outfit used to say, “An informed consumer is our best customer.”

How about religions, while we’re at it?!!! 

Know Your Canadian History

“Know know know…know know know know know know…know know know know…know know know know know know…”

Some of these questions are gimmes, and sometimes the accompanying pictures give it away, but it’s an education nonetheless!

Are children really drinking Starbucks coffee?

These guys are more hard-core than I realized!!!

Do U.S. farmers and shippers really want to kill foreign poor kids?

Of course not.  Tell your Representative and Senators mercy is more important than profits.

Windshield flyers

You don’t stick flyers under my wipers, I won’t bust your windshield, deal?

Flyers left under windshield wipers cause permanent damage to them, making it harder for them to clear rain, snow, mud, etc., off them, thus making it harder, sometimes impossible, to drive safely.

Just like if I bust your windshield.

Got it?

Indian Lieutenant-Governor for British Columbia

I.e., First-Nation – a former Chief, actually, as well as a provincial judge.  Sounds like he’s already served both worlds, Native and Settler, exceedingly well, so representing the Queen in BC will crown – no pun intended – quite a career.

(Toronto Globe and Mail coverage [link will break, I think].  Photos/slide show from his inauguration in the BC Legislative Chambers in Victoria [I've been there!] omits the drummer!  The big fancy chair in the front of the room is the Provincial Throne, where you’ll see the Viceregal sits after he officially takes office.  Each Province has one, as does the Senate in Ottawa, and the House of Lords in the UK, from which the Lieutenant-Governor/ Governor-General/ Queen officially and ceremonially opens each new legislative session by informing lawmakers of Her Majesty’s respective Ministry’s plans for the upcoming session.  [Until very recently - during the term of previous GG Adrienne Clarkson - the GG or her Deputy gave the Royal Assent in the Queen's name to Federal legislation in person by sitting on the Throne, having the bill presented to her, and simply nodding her assent to it, making it the law of the land.  As I understand it, Canada was the last place in the Empire/ Commonwealth Realms to do Assent by ceremony.  Now they all just sign bills like the U.S. President, or even have someone else sign them for them.  Too bad.  I would like to have witnessed that ceremony.  It was very meaningful and demonstrative of the Monarchical parliamentary-democracy.]  Later, outside, you see him wearing the official Viceregal uniform; not many in the Commonwealth still wear it, and there’s something jarring and/or profound to see it donned by an Indian Chief!)

Although I have to wonder if he isn’t being “kicked upstairs” with this appointment.  The First Nations Treaty process in BC has been raucus and very stop-and-go – though as the Globe points out, progress is now being made.  Even the involvement of the province at all, instead of just the Federal government, irks me as an Indian “encapsulated within” the United States, since in the U.S. constitutionally only the Feds are empowered to officially “treat with” Sovereign Indigenous Communities.  States have rarely been allowed a say, and IMHO for good reason, since they’ve usually been very anti-Indian; by my (admittedly scant) reading, the Canadian provinces have been generally similar, sad to say.  (This opinion is far from a complete picture of comparative Indigenous relations between the two countries: in some ways Indians and Inuit have it better in one country, in other ways, the other; though Canada now at least constitutionally recognizes its Metis, or Mixed-Blood [European and Native], communities, whereas in the States we have to disappear, if we can, into the White, Black, or Native communities – which isn’t always easy either!)

Just to be clear, I know nothing about His Honour’s involvement in the Treaty Process, so my concern may be groundless.

FYI, Canada has had a number of Aboriginal (or as I have said I believe is more inclusive, Indigenous) LGs.  Until recently Ontario’s – he just retired – was sometimes identified as Indian, sometimes as Metis.

Also, Point’s hope to make one of his emphases ethnic harmony is key because in Canada, Indigenous occupy the dubious position Blacks do in the States, as the largest oppressed minority, disproportionately arrested and imprisoned, poor and sick and discriminated against, and dying younger.  And this is particularly poignant in BC on the streets of the province’s largest city, Vancouver.  In addition, growing – and often wealthy - Chinese immigration to the Vancouver area irks some Whites.

The planet formerly known as Xena

Here’s what happened to it: it’s not a planet anymore, and it’s not named Xena. 

We still love you, Lucy and Renee!