WARNING ADULT CONTENT:
Maybe I don’t get out enough, but I just saw in a drugstore (Do we even call them drugstores anymore?!!!) a home kit for determining if you produce at least 20 million sperm per milliliter (That’s cubic centimeter or “cc,” for those of us who grew up before the metric system!) of semen, considered by someone the “minimum fertility standard.” (I am not making this up.) It also includes two non-spermicidal condoms, I guess for guys who consider masturbation wrong or undesirable, so they can catch a semen sample during intercourse.
Honestly, I didn’t know we could count ’em without a microscope! “One… two… three… 20,000,000….” Just might’ve cured my insomnia!
Actually, what constructive purpose could be served by knowing? OK, maybe then you’d know you should adopt. There’s nothing I know of that can boost sperm count, is there? (Maybe Mountain Dew! “Obey your thirst!” Actually, this is the exact opposite of the Urban Legend… or maybe we can start a new one! You guys OWE ME!!!) Or get a sperm donor?: ooh, that’s pretty personal for a would-be father.
Or become a monk… it’s a great way to be saved, I hear, honestly – why not focus on it, eh?
I guess it’s only fair, what with home-based pregnancy kits and all. Take some of the pressure off the woman: after all, it may not be her fault. Although as one writer in the NY Times Magazine recently shared with us (link may require free registration), it’s possible to put sperm and ovum right next to each other in a petri dish, and still have nothing happen. (Like many dates! Whatever that means….) Apparently Desmond Morris was right: some sperm are dumb and some are dumber… or at least have different jobs. OR maybe the writer’s husband’s sperm didn’t want to cheat on her. OR maybe it was God’s Will (I say this in all seriousness). It’s OK: apparently they eventually managed to conceive the traditional way, ie, with alcoholic lubrication! (It’s in her book title. OK, actually, it’s not. I imagined it. Though I haven’t read the book, so who knows?)
(NB: By “alcoholic lubrication,” I definitely was NOT recommending using any form of alcohol on one’s genitals, or those of one’s partner. As Frank McCourt’s first love would tell us had she lived, it’s quite painful. I was merely humourously referring to the oft-joked-about tendency of intoxication to lead to risky behaviour: “HIGH = HIGH RISK”: risk of AIDS, risk of other sexually-transmitted diseases with or without symptoms, risk of pregnancy, risk of ending-up with someone you don’t want to end up with, etc etc etc. Remember this.)