Yes, even humor about Orthodoxy!

From OrthodoXCircle’s “Traditional” group – a little mean-spirited actually – not the humor group! (with some editing and rude comments by yours truly):

You Might Be An ‘Orthodox Fundamentalist’ IF…

10) Your parish church-school curriculum consists of: The Rudder.

9) You’ve not shaved in years, but are spending your child’s inheritance on hair conditioner.

{Actually I’ve let my beard go, though not for religious reasons; it’s still quite a mess and often literally a pain!!!}

8) Your church services are longer than the Super Bowl, but shorter than “Roots.”

7) You save toenail clippings in hopes of … well … you know … glorification.

6) Your daughter can play with Barbies as long as they’re wrapped in DuckTape, clothed in black, and referred to as “Barbara the Ballyhoo” (in Slavonic).

{Sorry, I almost got this one….}

5) Your priest wears a cassock all the time. (Mainly because even the “Big & Tall” clothes no longer fit him.)

4) Birkenstock is the only proper name — not ending in “us,” “os,” or “es”– not subject to suspicion.

{What, they’re “CrunchyCons”???}

3) Your favorite theologian’s name is: “Reader __________.”

2) You believe hair brushes, combs, tweezers, and mirrors are for sissies.

{That’s just scary!}

And, the number one sign that you might be an “Orthodox Fundamentalist” is …

1) There are no chairs in your home; you haven’t sat in years!


Top Ten Signs You Might Be an Orthodox Christian Fundaminimalist:

10) During the three-day Sts. Peter & Paul Fast (New Calendar), you did without meat (only).

9) Sunday’s Divine Liturgy lasts longer than the Nightly News but shorter than “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”

8) When it comes to Confession, you believe: “All may, some should, none must.”

7) You think Antidoron is for the birds (literally), not to mention the non-Orthodox.

6) You’ve seen your priest vested with cuffs around bare wrists because he’s wearing a short-sleeve shirt underneath his rasson.

{And what did they wear under them in the old days exactly?!!!}

5) You ask questions like, “What’s a cassock?,” and, “Why is she wearing one?”

4) Your bishop eats meat. On Friday. During fasting periods.

3) You’ve seen your priest swimming. In a crowded pool. In a Speedo.

2) Your priest wears a Rolex. At the Altar. Over the cuffs.

And, the number one indication that you might be a fundaminimalist:

1) Your priest’s wife goes by the title, “Reader ______ .”

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The Number One reminder for anything involving a computer

Stolen from OrthodoXCircle’s humor group, who probably stole it from somewhere else:

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God the Father was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, the Father said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning(!) suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,

‘JESUS SAVES’

Genocide in Turkey

Now that the U.S. House Foreign Affairs Committee has recognized the Ottoman Empire genocide of Armenians in the 1910s, how about the ongoing genocide of Greeks in the Republic of Turkey?!!!

For that matter, why is Ankara so upset?  Ataturk drew a firm line between the Empire and the Republic, right?  So they should be as condemnatory of the Ottomans’ genocide of Armenians as anybody.  In fact, they proclaim a French-like ethnicity-free Turkey, so such ethnic-focused politics as the Teens’ genocide of Armenians, and the continuing genocide of Greeks, should be repugnant to them, right?

Obviously, something else is going on in Turkey, something that unites the “secularist” military and the current “Islamist” government there.  What else could it be but… underlying ethnic Muslim Turkishness?  You mean Turkey really is all about ethnic Muslim Turks, and not some ethnicity-free egalitarian non-Fundamentalist paradise?  That the “secularist, modern, Westernist, EU-aspirant republic” is a sham?!!!  That there really has been, and is still, genocide against anyone NOT ethnic Muslim Turkish?!!!

Tell your U.S. Representative to condemn ALL the Turks’ genocides.

An Andy Rooney moment

(Upon further review, I’ve decided not to keep this post.  Too graphic, too curious, too frivolous, too unrestrained.  C-ya.)

Pluto and other anomalies

I’m as big a fan as the Hubble Space Telescope has, but what I don’t get is, if the Hubble can see a galaxy 13.7 billion light-years away, why can’t it read a fricken license plate on Pluto, nevermind these washed-out images?!!!

And Pluto’s satellite – Can something that isn’t a planet have a “moon”?? – Nix, in keeping with astronomical tradition, is of course named after the ancient deity Nixon!!!

Here’s a question: They say we can’t see the core of our galaxy, at the end of the Milky Way star formation, because of space dust.  Does that mean that if it weren’t for space dust, considering that there are “billions and billions” of stars and galaxies in every direction, night would be nearly as bright as day, only a different, softer color, and without shadows???  So arguably, universal space dust has played a key role in the development of life on Earth with its day/night cycles (for most of us… present company excluded!!) (in the Will of God of course)!

“Dark spots on Mars”???  If they’re not optical illusions, they’re too perfect for nature, I think.  Paging Richard C. Hoagland!

“Human rights” groups, Bushie-backed govts, and Orthodoxy

A brief, insightful – and therefore unheard-of! – 4-year-old article by the Eastern Orthodox Moscow Patriarchate’s Fr. Vsevolod Chaplin, analyzes certain aspects of international “religious-freedom” activism.  (See highlighted “Helsinki” and “anti-Orthodox” text near bottom of this page.)

Such groups’ endorsement of “free market religion” places them in a global minority, and calls into question their understanding of the role of religion in a society – even their realization that religion HAS a role in society, and not just in individuals’ ‘private life.’  Or even Protestantism’s very PUBLIC role in U.S. life….

Of course, that presumes they’re trying to be sincere, and not simply advancing the U.S. global agenda in every way imaginable… and some unimaginable!  After all, their zeroing-in on Orthodoxy not only in the Former Soviet Union but also the Former Yugoslavia in other “reports” I’ve browsed, betrays a definite pro-Washington, pro-“globalization,” pro-Rationalized-Capitalism, anti-Orthodox, anti-Christian bias.

Back atcha, Condi!

There isn’t a single thing Rice says about Putin, the Kremlin, and Russia, that can’t be said about BushCheney, the White House, and America under their rule today.  Is it possible she was actually speaking tongue-in-cheek?!!!  But no, Repugs have no humor, or self-critique/self-consciousness – just like two-year-olds.

(Nevermind talking to the anti-Orthodox Helsinki group.  How about if Putin’s foreign minister meets with ‘liberal’ and anti-Protestant groups here, and talks about Repug politics?!!!  At least we’re pretty sure Putin is stepping down as President when his term ends; Bush?)